We have to trust….

Posted on March 28, 2012 by seeandconnect

“We have to trust that if we are acting with integrity, compassion, honesty and heart that the outcome will be the right one…” anonymous 

I’ve made this anonymous, but I know who said it. I’m saying this because I think it is important to point out that I know the experience behind the words. I really value what is being said here. In recent years, I’ve often thought about trust. Primarily, my thinking has focused on people – trusting people, trust between people. Let’s call ‘anonymous’ Zach. Zach’s instruction here is talking about trust in relation to journey, process, dynamics.  People are definitely involved – but it isn’t people he is asking us to trust. What’s crucial about his instruction is that he is drawing our attention to source and motivation – what is driving our actions. He’s asking us to trust that if we have right motivation/drivers underpinning our actions, we can do no wrong. Can this be true? And how is it relevant to social activism?

Tempting as it is to conflate the two, I want to make a clear distinction between what Zach is suggesting and the idea of ‘having good intentions’ – because the latter is rather vague. Zach’s pretty specific here: honesty, compassion, love (heart).  He also mentions integrity: acting with integrity. 

What does that mean – and why should we trust integrity to be our guide? 

One definition of integrity is: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. 

Another definition is: the state of being whole and undivided.

I’m interested in both, as I think they are totally entwined, but at the moment I am more interested in the latter – which, I believe, isn’t often used when it comes to ‘acting with integrity.’  If applied, we would be talking about acting from a state of being whole and undivided.

What does that mean?

Sometimes, we are moving through the world driven by a sense of lack, longing and/or fear of loss. When we are driven by such a sense, we are likely to be sad, angry, fearful. Nothing wrong with any of these emotions – but action driven purely from them is likely to be reflexive and reactive – lacking consideration and often out of alignment with our core values – we act and then look back and want to say ‘I was not myself in that moment – that wasn’t me.’ 

Acting in a state of integrity is being true to who you are in your wholeness – not lacking anything – and therefore not trying to protect or gain anything. Instead, you are seeking to share yourself – you have plenty left over to give and with which to be in service. Zach is reminding us that when we come from this place of wholeness, our actions are the best that we can do – the best of who we are as people who are driven by compassion and love rather than fear, rage, vindictiveness.

What’s key here is understanding that ‘right action’ doesn’t mean we will necessarily get the outcomes we intended or sometimes even want – at least on the surface. Because our actions are not done in a vacuum. A lot depends on how the world around us perceives what we are doing – what’s alive in others. And sometimes all of our options involve someone losing something – or at least perceiving that they are losing something – which means decision-making will be difficult, will feel like because there or two or more ‘right’ paths there are actually none. Genuine ethical dilemmas do exist – but that’s for another post.The point is, choosing integrity is not necessarily a soft or easy option – and on the surface to some people it can seem ‘wrong.’

Integrity – which for me intrinsically includes honesty, compassion, love – is a powerful backstop, a reinforcement. If we act with integrity, we know that we have acted motivated by the best of who we are. Sometimes what follows is chaos – we fail to meet convention or expectations or the needs of certain people. Some people get angry because they feel they have been wounded by our actions – even though we are claiming to be acting out of love. This is where the trust Zach is talking about becomes really important.

In such moments, continuing down the path of integrity requires a leap – not that all will go according to plan, but that necessary shifts are taking place – driven by our actions. Doesn’t mean its comfortable – usually quite the opposite, at least in the short term. But just because it is discomfoting, doesn’t mean its wrong.

We often are reluctant to trust our direction of travel because we are so focused – or  are being pushed to focus – on the short term and on having a clearly visible, pre-determined destination. Thing is, our direction is our destination.  IF we want to choose to act for the long term, we need to be able to trust – because the long term is always unknown to us.   Well – for the most part. What we can know, verify, is that if we act with integrity – from compassion, with honesty, with love – we are heading in the right direction. If you don’t believe me, check out this article about James O’Dea, former Director of Amnesty International in Washington, D.C.

Which brings me to social activism. Policymakers are obsessed with outcomes – particularly measurable outcomes. But many of us are familiar with amazing stories of community and change that weren’t planned – could not forecast how they could end. What mattered most were the motivations – usually a group of people sensing they have something to share and trying to work out how best to share it – feeling not just whole, but overflowing while rooted in compassion, honesty and love (heart). They trust that they are building positive human relationships and doing so while working with their innate resources – and that’s enough to go on. They trust their direction.  

In what ways is this kind of trust already embedded into the way you (and your colleagues) work as social activist(s)/changemakers? How can you work with it more deeply?

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

instinct

Posted on March 27, 2012 by seeandconnect

“We have to trust that if we are acting with integrity, compassion, honesty and heart that the outcome will be the right one…” anonymous

Well, I’m making the above quote anonymous. I know who wrote it, but for various reasons I can’t say. I really value what he’s saying here. In recent years, I’ve often thought about trust. Primarily my thinking has focused on people – trusting people. Let’s call anonymous Zach. Zach’s instruction here is talking about trust in relation to journey, process, dynamics. 

I think Zach is encouraging us to trust our instinct.

By instinct, I am referring to an inner wisdom.  This inner wisdom, I’m increasingly starting to see, is particularly special because it is not individual – that is, it is somehow connected to a deeper shared universal wisdom. The power of this wisdom is that it has its roots in compassion, honesty, love (heart). It offers protection when we are in danger.  

Trust your instinct. 

He’s got me thinking about how trusting your instinct, your inner wisdom, requires leaping into the unknown. It requires opening the mind to not having a plan – just being and doing according to instinct in a given moment. He’s writtent his in the context of personal relationships – of what happens when we try and shift old, negative behaviour patterns. Often – we all know – we have behaviour patterns that are destructive, yet we find it very hard to let go of them. In my life, when it comes to behaviour patterns – in a distorted sort of way – I’ve found that they eventually feel comfortable and I get attached to the. The are like a worn pair of shoes with a hole in the sole letting all the elements through and offering very poor protection, possibly even making me limp a bit. I adapt to the shoes on my feet and let the shoe with the hole dictate how I walk. My limp becomes familiar to me. The transition out of it would feel like a huge shock to the system and when I try to change shoes a defensive, wounded part of me tries to talk my loving self out of it. 

 

I’m  wondering: what if we allowed our social change activism to be more driven by instinct – by inner shared wisdom? 

 

 

know the ‘right’ course of action ina  situation 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Vulnerability and Shame: we all know them

Posted on March 19, 2012 by seeandconnect

I’ve just returned from a spectacular 8 day retreat/workshop – of which I’m sure I will write more another time. In the next few days, I have to focus on getting ready to be away from London for a year – splitting my time between Chicago and San Cristobal de las Casas (Chiapas, Mexico). I’m taking the liberty this week (and to make up for no post last week – I was totally offline) of allowing someone else to do the ‘talking.’ 

Brené Brown has two amazing, entwined Ted Talks – one on vulnerability and one on shame.  They are reminders of something we all share as human beings – but rarely talk about and often try and hide. Yet, the more we can see what we have in common – particularly with respect to areas of life that we try to keep secret – the more likely we are to be able to create and grow together – wherever we are and whoever we are. I’m delighted to share her talks below – on the off chance that you have not already listened to/seen them.

The Power of Vulnerability

Listening to Shame

I listen to Brené and my heart opens. I have much gratitude for her courage, her humour, her passion and her ability to articulate beautifully the wisdom of the human spirit.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

What inspires you?

Posted on March 7, 2012 by seeandconnect

Inspire means to fill with enlivening energy. I never really thought about it until last year, but ‘inspire’ is linked to ‘spirit’ – to put spirit in someone, is how I see it.  The latin origin of spirit points to soul, courage, vigor, or breath. I like to think of spirit as life force. This means, when someone asks you ‘What inspires you?’ it is the same as asking ‘What makes you come alive?’ or ‘What wakes up your Spirit – your courage, your soul, your vigor?’

Well, what does inspire you?

I think this is a question we don’t ask ourselves and each other enough. This question is important because we are at are at our best as creatives, contributors and collaborators when we are inspired – being and doing from Spirit. Yes, I capitalise the word. Because I believe it is an important part of our humanity. I believe when we connect with Spirit – the energy that is us, that created the universe – we expand – just like the universe did billions of years ago. We also break down the distinctions between you and me. 

Perhaps I’m not explaining myself very well – in which case, I encourage you to have listen to Jeff Lieberman. He’s gets what I mean and articulates it beautifully: Jeff Lieberman talks about Science and Spirit. Note how his voice sometimes quivers. I like that – to me it is a sign of him being inspired, spirited. It is a sign he is expanding so much, filled with passion, creativity, wonder, and possibility that he feels emotional, a bit overwhelmed and perhaps even in awe. Do you know that feeling?

When we are moved by Spirit – when we are inspired – we have lots of energy, we have a lightness about us, we believe deeply in what we we are saying and doing. And what perhaps is most important  – we are creating from our hearts and expect nothing in return. The act of creating is what counts because it sustains us, it is like breath itself.

In this world of ours, we easily step into the rhythms around us. We might take a first step down a path driven by inspiration – by Spirit – but we soon start to focus on all the demands and behaviours around us. We get caught up in the rules, on the protocols, on the conventions. Then we start to feel agitated, restless, frustrated, angry even. We maybe even feel sad. What do I think is going on when this happens? I think our Spirits feel trapped and constrained when all they want to do is to expand. We feel suffocated, like we cannot breathe.

I recently caught up with an old friend Jane (not her real name) who is in her fifites and all her life has been a social justice activist. She looked me in the eye, and said ‘You know what Veena, I don’t care anymore about fighting for XXXX – i’m done with all this.’ Wow. This was a shocker. As the conversation went on, I heard how she was tired from the battle that never really seemed to shift over the decades. The focus of her work had come to drain her. We quickly realised what had happened – she was totally disconnected from her Spirit – from what inspired her, breathed life into her, when it comes to the particular social issue that had been her lifelong passion. The day-to-day drudge of campaigning and trying influence policy makers was dis-Spiriting. 

This is why we need to keep asking ourselves and each other, ‘What inspires you?’ We need to constantly bring ourselves back to what makes comes alive, to the Spirit within us. As I write, that oft-quoted Howard Thurman quote keeps popping up: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Dr Thurman was effectively saying – I think – we need more people who are inspired.

What inspires you? What makes you come alive? And can you feel it? Are you expanding? Or do you feel like you are shrinking or suffocating? If the latter, what can you do to unleash your Spirit and become inspired again? 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Want to occupy? Tell a story….

Posted on February 23, 2012 by seeandconnect

I was chatting with a friend today who works in the financial services sector. She isn’t a banker. Let’s call her Amita. Amita watches the telly on Sunday – I didn’t know the show, so I’ve forgotten its name. In any event, someone from the St Paul’s site was on the show. Amita was excited – she’s been curious about Occupy, wondering ‘What do they stand for?’ and also vaguely inspired by them – people setting out to drive change. When the show wrapped up, she wanted to throw a shoe at the TV. ‘I think that person did the Occupy people a disservice’ she suggested. This is the story of what happened, of how Amita went from having an open and engaged mind (and perhaps heart) about Occupy to relegating it to something she might read about in the papers or hear about on the telly occassionally, but not connect with in any meaningful way.

Apparently, the Occupy guest on the show was asked: “What does Occupy stand for?”  He said it was for a better world and listed all the things he didn’t like – for example – about capitalism and public transport. He made policy suggestions. He was wearing the ‘V for Vendetta’ mask. Amita observed: “He basically wants a perfect world. A perfect world isn’t going to happen.” In some ways I wanted to suggest to her that it certainly won’t happen if we don’t believe it can happen, but I heard what she was saying – that it all felt very idealistic and, in turn, unrealistic and thus futile. And for Amita, this was a turn off. What really frusrated her with the Occupy guest, however, was not what he said. It was the mask. She explained that it was hard to listen to someone with a mask. You couldn’t see his face, you couldn’t really see his eyes – “How are we supposed to trust him, if he is hiding behind a mask?” she wanted to know. “He could” she suggested, “Wear a badge of the mask or have the mask pushed back on top of his head – so the symbol is present. But wearing it like that, covering his face – it doesn’t help.”

I found myself agreeing with her. I wondered why he didn’t tell a story – a personal story. I explained to Amita my take on what she was telling me: That guy was failing to connect with people watching him, and if we expect to create change in the world we need to engage and connect with people who are interested in knowing the answer to the question “What is Occupy about?” Wearing masks and giving endless lists of ‘things to be changed’ are offputting, dis-engaging. 

Liam Barrington-Bush (@hackofalltrades) and I once started to collaborate on a joint post about the subject of what is Occupy about. We never did finish that collaboration – who knows, we might come back to it in the future. Regardess, we both strongly agreed that we would like to see the Occupy sites be sources of stories about the change we want to be and see in the world. Occupy sites, along with various projects in all sorts of communities around the world, are all spaces where people are experiementing with different ways of how we can live together. We’d love to see Occupy sites (in all shapes and forms – not just the obvious ones like St Pauls or Bank of Ideas) spreading their stories of living the change we want to be/see – including the challenges faced and how these challenges are addressed. Or perhaps even putting questions out there to people – asking for ideas on how to address some of the more difficult ones. We can tell our stories in order to share, learn, grown and expand. 

The obvious physical sites of the Occupy Movement (I know, I know, a lot of people have problems with that label…I find it a useful shorthand) can be symbols of the belief that we can create a different world. People that speak about Occupy can spread this message – and, yes, I’m repeating myself here, I know – We can create a different world. A world that is more compassionate, creative and collaborative. A world that nurtures and lifts up the Human Spirit – individually and collectively. 

But I think Amita was right – we are unlikely to spread such a message hiding behind masks and giving shopping lists of what needs to be done. More stories, please. More stories that help us connect as human beings. Stories that awaken, engage and connect hearts and minds. Stories that stir something in us, enliven us. 

I just googled ‘quotes about the importance of storytelling’ and these two quotes caught my eye:

“A story is the shortest distance between people.” Pat Speight

“Storytelling allows you to hear the soul and spirit of words.” Vi Hilbert

I would add to that last quote: Storytelling allows you to hear the soul and spirit of our shared humanity. Let us tell our stories, so we can reconnect with one another – and together create a different world.

And that’s the end of my story. I make no claims to this little story being as engaging, heart-awakening, mind-expanding as the types of stories I think we need to hear more of….but the point stands – let us tell more stories, in order to occupy hearts and minds.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Applying the gardner’s hand….

Posted on February 15, 2012 by seeandconnect

A friend of mine is working in an organisation where someone is being a bully. We were talking about it today. On the one hand, we talked about taking a hard line. That is, senior managers in my friend’s organisation need to be very firm with this person. On the other hand, thinking of compassion, we talked about the importance of remembering that chances are the destructive behaviours this person is giving to the outside world are also being turned inwards. Does this justify what she’s doing? No. Why should we seek to understand why someone is behaving the way they are behaving and/or to look at how it might be affecting them? Well, wouldn’t you want someone to do the same for you? Because haven’t you been destructive to others at some point in your life?  And aren’t you, or anyone else, less likely to keep up such behaviour if people around you try and help you to see what you are doing, rather than simply punish you for it?  At the same time, isn’t the hard line part – drawing boundaries to wake you up – part of being compassionate? In other words, compassion entails both discipline, boundaries and firm words as well as empathy and sensitivity. 

Sometimes, no matter what we do – no matter how compassionate we are with someone – they will be unable to see what they are doing to themselves and others. When those moments come, we often will have a hard choice to make. We might have to let go. We can make it clear we are always there for that person to walk in and say ‘I need help.’ At the same time, we can make it clear that we are not here to be abused or harmed or to support destructive behaviours generally. This is tricky. It seems like this means placing conditions on love – when the ideal is unconditional love. 

Which makes me wonder  – ask myself – can we still love people even as we are asking them to stay away or as we keep a distance in order to protect ourselves? Yes, we can. In fact, as I suggested above, I’m inclined think that doing so – keeping that distance – is a loving act. Because that person who is doing the harm – well, chances are they do not want to be causing harm.  In this way, it seems that preventing them from harming you further is an act of love – though it might not seem that way at the time. I guess it is what we have come to call ‘tough love.’

Something else my friend and I discussed about her colleague is that the colleague doing the bullying does not realise the impact she is having on people around her. And chances are if she knew and understood what she was doing, she would feel quite badly about it. And if she didn’t – if there were no remorse – then we know she is suffering from something quite profound. For whatever reason – a congenital inheritance or a mental illness that developed in response to environmental circumstances – she is disconnected from her compassionate, creative and collaborative human spirit.  Surely, if we can help that person reconnect with her spirited self, we should try to do so. 

Some people are beyond help. But I think they are a very small number. The majority of us would welcome help – though it might not always seem to be the case. Help doesn’t mean being the saviour or the hero. Sometimes our role is merely to plant seeds. Another person might water them. And yet another might check on them and do what they can to be nurturing. Another person might be the one to be there when the seeds start to open up. And yet another might take them from budding to blooming or bearing fruit. No single individual is fully responsible for someone changing – many people, especially the person with the destructive behaviours – play a role.

This has got me thinking about how I can be mindful of my potential to play any one of those roles in the lives of others  – be they strangers or dear friends. This means, taking with me a consciousness when I am speaking to people – including those who might be acting like a bully. Compassion means having a firm hand and also – as I’m now inclined to call it – a gardner’s hand. In nearly every person who acts like a bully is fertile soil for sowing seeds of change.  What can I do to plant and nurture those seeds? That is the question I shall ask myself.

What would it mean for you to apply the gardner’s hand the next time you encounter a person who is acting like a bully?  

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Dear Gandhi – You’ve got me in a muddle….

Posted on February 8, 2012 by seeandconnect

Last Sunday, I hosted the first See & Connect Sunday Lunch. The theme was that Gandhi quote I often refer to:  “We must become the change we want to see in the world.” I had asked guests to think about ‘What does this mean to you in practice?’ We had a lively discussion.  Much to my surprise, I’m finding it hard to write about – no shortage of topics, in fact quite a variety from which to choose. But the truth is, I’m befuddled by what took place on Sunday. I’m wondering right now “What would happen if everyone who was at the table became the change they wanted to see in the world? Would that really make the world a better place?” 

Well, frankly, one thing we didn’t cover in our conversation was exactly what it meant to everyone to be the change (I used a very light hand, as host, in steering the conversation). I gathered that one person has a focus on ethical fashion –  being the change means being an ethically conscious wearer of clothing. Another person has a focus on food awareness – being the change is to have an awareness of where your food comes from. For me, as I said in a previous posting (Responsibilty: where does Gandhi’s steer take you?), the change I want to see is in human relationships and I tend to focus on compassion – being the change means trying day in and day out to be a more compassionate person. 

We also heard about how some people promote anti-poverty efforts by taking on the challenge of living on £1 a day. This challenge can open our awareness to the challenges our fellow human beings face when when living in poverty. I translated this example to mean that part of ‘being the change’ is to try and understand and connect with other people’s struggles  – which sits nicely with my quest for greater compassion. But this topic raised a question for me: What if we want to see less poverty in the world? What does that mean for being the change we want to see?

I realised on Sunday that all of us probably slip easily into following Gandhi’s instruction – becoming the change we want to see – by working hard to encourage others to take up our cause, our passion for a particular type of change. The danger is that, in doing so,  we can become both myopic and alienating. 

Because something else we discussed on Sunday is how living by our values (which we equated with becoming the change) can bring us into conflict with people close to us. It brings tensions in to our relationships. For example, activities we once enjoyed with loved ones might not be so fun anymore now that we questions them based on our principles. It was a reminder of the importance of having awarenss of how different values are constantly at play in our lives – and the importance of pausing to reflect and explore them more deeply in order to resolve the conflict, e.g., the value of your relationship with your mother vs. your commitment to ethical fashion. 

When a conflict of values happens we have different choices. We can take a firm stand and push people away who don’t seem to share our values. We can fight with them, struggle with them. We can talk openly about what’s going on and what we are feeling in terms of what feels like a conflict between values. We can recognise that the conflict is both external and internal.  We might be thinking, for example:  “On the one hand, I love you mom. On the other, I feel uncomfortable spending time with you in the shops. What can we do about this?”

Let me return back that question about anti-poverty:  What if we want to see less poverty in the world? What does that mean for being the change we want to see? The matter of seemingly conflicting values and this matter of translating causes into ways of being seem linked to me. WIth the latter, I’m wondering how to distill a commitment to tackling poverty into a way of being. Where I land is with the idea that we live in a world where people are guided by instincts that go back to the basis of scarcity of resources and the need to hoard. A mixture of greed and insecurity mean that in large ways and small ways, many of us move through the world less inclined to share (especially without expecting anything in return) and we are always looking for a bargain.

The intersect: low-cost fashion comes at a cost – people being paid low wages to make it. As someone pointed out at lunch, people having low wages is better than no wages. Agreed. But I think the principle here is about distributing wealth more evenly. Why shouldn’t we pay for the real cost of our clothing? Why shouldn’t we value the human labour that has gone into it. Why are we so obsessed with spending less, even whe we have so much and others have so little? And that’s what becoming the change means, doesn’t it? If I want to see a world with less poverty, I need to become/be a person who believes in our collective abundance and seeks to share whenever I can. At the same time, recognising the value of our natural resources, I seek to make better use of what already exists in the world, i.e., recycle clothing. I can be someone who consumes less because I want everyone in the world to consume less, so as to leave a lighter footprint on the planet. And when I do consume, I need to pay a fair price for it.

And this brings me to a point which I hope will tie all of the above together; tie together the issue of the tensions arising from seemingly conflicting values, the ways in which we distill our activist passions into lessons for how we can move through the world differently to be the change, the steps we can take to understand the challenges different people face in this world (be it on our street or across the ocean).  A lot of what we do as change makers can seem like it is super clear as to its ‘rightness’ – and we often have little patience for people who don’t get it. But campaigns for ethical fashion, to eradicate poverty, to promote restorative justice (one of my favourites), to have greater awareness of our food sources, all have their grey areas.

These grey areas can take us into very challenging spaces. I love these spaces because they are where we can really delve deeply into questions about who we are are, what we value and how we can navigate our relationships with others – even those people who seem to have different values from us.  And these grey spaces also include having a more reflective commitment to social change by asking:  Who do I need to be on a day to day basis to help bring about this change?  I don’t think it is always easy to answer that question. But I think it is important to answer it. And I think it is really important we talk more openly about the tensions, struggles and confusion that come with trying to follow Gandhi’s instruction – that is, if we want the instruction to be its most fruitful.  

I told you – Sunday left me befuddled and in a bit of a muddle. And maybe this post reflects that – but that’s okay. I like this kind of muddle; it is a muddle (a disorganised state) of ideas that are there to be moved around, examined, discarded, opened up and ultimately unfold into wisdom.

Many thanks to my guests at the first See & Connect Sunday Lunch for this befuddling muddle!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Untitled

Posted on February 7, 2012 by seeandconnect

On Sunday, I hosted the first See & Connect Sunday Lunch. The theme was that Gandhi saying I often quote: “We must become the change we want to see in the world.”  We dipped in and out of the theme – or perhaps came at it from different angles – some of which seemed to connect with it more directly than others. Rather than focus necessarily on particular ideas and topics we covered over the course of a few hours, I’m inclined to step back and look at the different ways we all engaged with the subject of values. Because – and this possibly has to do with a steer I gave early on – the idea of ‘becoming the change’ is linked to values. Becoming the change easily turns into ‘living my values.’ It also sometimes becomes ‘living my truth.’ In my last post, I suggested what comes to my mind when I think 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Untitled

Posted on February 5, 2012 by seeandconnect

Sunday afternoon, I hosted the first See & Connect Sunday Lunch. The theme was that old Gandhi quote I keep coming back to: ““We must become the change we want to see in the world.” We didn’t totally stick to theme – though we always stayed within the topic of social change. The conversation gave me a lot to digest. I’m sure as the week continues, I’ll be hit with new ways of seeing and connecting. What’s more, many seeds were planted and who knows when/how they will bare fruit. In other words, some of what I took away from today’s gathering will grow within me without my being aware of it, and influence me in ways I cannot now imagine. Nevertheless, while the event is somewhat fresh with me, I want to write about it – to share. And what I want to start with is the idea that becoming the change we want to see is a double-edged sword. 

On one edge, being the change we want to see in the world can strengthen our relationships. Firstly because we are trying to living our truth, we feel more aligned with our selves, more honest. In that state of honesty, we share our selves more truthfully with others – and if they are prepared to accept us for who we believe ourselves to be, then we can build strong relationships from that foundation. What seems to be critical for this positive outcome is that in living my truth, I need to be open to your truth, who you are and how you want to move through the world – including where it differs from my movement, my rhythm. In this way, becoming the change we want to see in the world can be a delightful, albeit slightly tension-filled dance (the tension can be part of the attraction of it, no?) – people moving together trying to achieve a balance between togetherness and individuality. 

On the other edge, being the change we want to see in the world can seem detrimental for relationships that mean a lot to us. As we make choices and give time to that which we value, it can put us at odds with the activities and commitments valued by people close to us. Activities we once enjoyed with a friend or a family member might not be so enjoyable anymore – because we bring to them an awareness which not only makes us question our choices, they also result in us questioning the choices of people we love.

I imagine a lot of people in being the change they want to see in the world experience the double edge: a delightful dance alongside difficult challenges to relationships. Becoming the change we want to see in the world can cut through the habits we’ve acquired as individuals and collectively which are not serving us well – which are wounding us. Sometimes, though, it feels like we are also making cuts which create new wounds – one’s which get us questioning “Is it really worth it – sticking by my values?”

I would say – “Yes, it is.” But be prepared – because the journey is not an easy one. And I’m wondering if that’s something we – people involved in wanting play a role in social change – might want to talk about more. As we go deeper into becoming the change we want to see, it takes us into difficult spaces with people who are close to us. How do we navigate through those spaces? What resources do we have – internally and externally – to support us?

The conversation also has me wondering about difference to becoming the change we want to see. For some people, it seems to be about living your truth and asking that people around you take you as you are. If they don’t take you, then let them go. For some it seems to be about focusing on a particular issue, e.g. the source of your food or clothing and then encouraging others to follow a similar practice. For some people it is about encouraging others live differently by hoping they will see how you are living and question their own lives. For some it is about actively trying to persuade people to live differently. 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Compassion: seeing you in me and me in you…

Posted on January 25, 2012 by seeandconnect

In my last post “Responsibility: Where does Gandhi’s Steer Take you?”, I asked the question: What is compassion? I asked this because living the change I want to see means being a compassionate person. I want to see, give, and experience more compassion in the world. As a practicing mediator, I think about compassion a lot. The other day I found myself talking with a fellow mediator – Jack –  about compassion and hit on something I had not seen so clearly before: the connection between compassion and invisibility.  I am a woman very occupied by the importance of seeing our selves and allowing ourselves to see and be seen by others. And now I recognize more clearly that compassion is all about seeing and being seen.   

Compassion is a word that needs to be reclaimed. It feels as though to many it is a dirty word. Firstly, compassion often is equated with pity, which in turn is linked to a sense of superiority. But compassion is not pity and it does quite the opposite of creating a sense of superior and inferior: compassion connects us as equal human beings.  Secondly, compassion became political with the idea of  ‘Compassionate Conservatism’ and Cameron’s ‘Hug a Hoodie’ call to action back in 2007. This was a shame because we definitely need more compassion to be woven into politics. What we don’t need, however, is politics being woven into compassion – because then the latter simply disintegrates. And what Cameron did felt more like the latter than the former.

My fellow mediator, Jack, is well-versed in Buddhist teachings and is a very compassionate individual. On Saturday he was showing me compassion – doing a lot of empathic listening as I stood before him in tears describing what was alive in me with regards to something which had been unsettling me for the past two weeks.  Later, Jack would tell me that he really appreciated getting to know me better through that exchange. I was aware that I had allowed myself to show my vulnerabilty to someone I didn’t really know that well – but knew enough to know he has a very gentle, open spirit. I felt safe in allowing my doubting, judgemental, upset self be visible to him. Receiving his compassion required that I allow him to see me- and I let that happen.

Jack also commented on how he had enjoyed getting to know me by seeing me at work – in my professional element.  On Saturday we had been out and about door knocking for some work we are doing together. At one point, Jack and I – along with a third mediator – were talking with a group of sixteen year old boys. I asked them : “Do you carry knives?” This seemed to offend some of them, but it was a legitimate question in the context. They all wanted to make it clear that they didn’t carry knives and weren’t interested in violence. In response to this exchange, I found myself asking them about they how they imagined other people see them and if they thought people were seeing them as they would like to be seen. 

Jack was seeing me. And I was also seeing myself – personally and professionally. As Jack listened to me empathically, I repeatedly would see myself in new ways – see what was beneath the tears, the anger, the frustration – what beliefs I am carrying that are weighing me down and feeding destructive tendencies (a good empathic listener can be a mirror to one’s soul). Similarly, though not as deeply, Jack saw that I was trying to see those sixteen-year old boys and similarly hold a mirror up to them so they could see their selves. 

And what Jack and I discussed as we reflected on all this ‘seeing’ is that compassion involves helping people to see for our selves and show to others what we often keep hidden – render invisible, stashed away out of sight.  And what is at the heart of compassion is the idea that what we see in others is no more that what is in us. We connect to what we are seeing in someone else because it is familiar. We all know what it is to feel sad, angry, hurt, frustated. We all know what it is to lose trust and to fear. We all know how it feels to be invisible. The details of the experiences which give us such wisdom/insight will differ. Yet, the feelings are the same. 

The more we are able to see our selves, the more we are able to see others. This is one reason why self-reflection has such an important role to play in social change – if we are not visible to our selves, then we will have a hard time not only seeing others clearly but it will be challenging to see and connect with each other compassionately. For example, we might meet someone who has been bullying people and judge them for being a bully, for hurting others. We are likely to be angry with them, even feel hate. If, however, we have an awareness of the bully within – the part of us that we know is capable of being and has at times been, the bully – we can then find compassion in how we connect with that person. This does not mean we go ‘soft’ and let people get away with harmful behaviour, give them excuses. It means we respond in a restorative way – in a way that is intended to contribute to healing, to connecting with each other as one vulnerable human being to another. 

Compassion is about seeing self in other and other in self – melting down the binary of self and other. Let us reclaim compassion for what it is: our human capacity to connect with one another out of a desire to alleviate suffering because we all know what it is to suffer and what is to desire joy. In that way, we are all equal.  Writing this post makes me wonder how much of himself could David Cameron see in those ‘hoodies’ he wanted people to hug? And what are the different forms a ‘hug’ can take? For example, how comfortable would he feel letting the young people he and others call ‘hoodies know how much they have in common? How comfortable would he be to listen empathically to the stories of these young people’?  This includes stories of destructive behaviour which I would say aren’t about bad people but are about bad choices. And we’ve all made bad choices.

This post is also making me think about how (un)comfortable people generally feel with the idea of compassion – because a lot of people across the political spectrum let out a nervous laugh in response to Cameron’s ‘Hug a hoodie’ call to action. Sure, in some ways it deserved some sniggering. Yet, at the same time, I can’t help but think Cameron was on to something quite meaningful, albeit perhaps quite unconsciously and perhaps not so strongly rooted in true compassion. Unfortunately, in the political realm, we tend not to talk about compassion openly and honestly. We see it as a touchy-feely matter, not for serious deliberation. This is despite the fact that we often hear politicians say they would like to create more caring communities. Well, if we are going to do that, we need to create more compassionate communities.

When you are doing your work to help others, how much of them can you see in you and vis-versa?  What exactly does being compassionate mean for you? How compassionate are you being – with your self and those you are trying to support? How could you be more compassionate? What do you fear about being more compassionate?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments